SCHAUMBURG, IL—In a turn of
events that has stunned the worldwide medical community, local infant Nathan
Jameson, born just six days ago, has become the youngest person ever to
permanently and irrevocably lose all faith in humanity.
“This shatters all previous
records,” University of Chicago psychologist Douglas McAllister said Monday.
“In all of documented medical history, there is no case of a newborn taking
less than four months to develop the mental faculties required to grasp the
full extent of this existential nightmare we call life on earth.”
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